Where to begin?

I have returned..with more material than I could possibly write about in one day. I have so much to say, I barely know where to begin.  This could be the problem. I am wondering in what order to prioritize the recent events – if I could figure that out, it might make it all a bit more manageable.  I am extraordinarily blessed by a full life.  I suppose there are people sitting around right now with nothing to do or nothing to decide and I wonder whether that is a choice.  Do we choose our choices or do they choose us?  

Did I make any of these things happen or would they be happening without me? I cannot seem to figure this out.  What if I did nothing, would nothing happen? It has been weeks since my last post- and I suppose I bored the anonymous readers with nothing new and I suppose they might have gone elsewhere for their reading. I really wish I knew who read this blog or my older one.  I wish the readers would write back to me.  If I could make it happen, this blog would be my identity, my job, my calling- but it isn’t.

I won the election..I am a Councilwoman-Elect.  Do I even want to be a Councilwoman? I did good.  I won by hundreds of votes.  More than 2000 people voted for me.  They don’t even know me.  Some of them do – I mean, I voted for myself after all, but most don’t even know me.  I know for a fact that a few people voted for me because they like my kids.  I also for a fact that another person voted for me because she  liked my shoes.  One woman voted for me because I shared my purple leather gloves with her daughter at the train station.  Are these good reasons?  Do any of those things qualify me for the decision making that is going to be required?  Odd… our political system, don’t you think?

At the same time I was winning an election, I have been trying to help my mother.  She is doing very badly. She was sent home from a rehab facility with a broken leg that isn’t healing.  She can’t walk, stand up, take care of herself, nor do anything at all.  I don’t really anticipate this getting much better.  In order to care for her, I had to hire a live-in… for 24 hours a day. Do you have any freakin idea how expensive that is? Of course, the person I hired deserves every penny of that money and she is in for a very hard job… but what kind of people can afford this?  I am using our savings to pay for 1 month of care because in 1 month we will know whether or not things are going to improve.  1 month will cost about $5,000.  That is $5,000 we will no longer have for our bills, for the kids, for savings, for a possible and very long overdue vacation, for an emergency, for more shoes to win the next election! I don’t understand why this is ok?  How on earth I am supposed to make this ok?  One month is nothing… the woman is going live for years and years like this. I love my mother very much and I have been fortunate to have a good relationship with her and care about her as much as one can.  However, in  one year of live in care, we will use up all the money I have saved since I started working 20 years ago. That is not ok.  I have a family too.  My parents could not possibly expect me to do this, could they?  Is there some cosmic payback that I owe them because they raised me, a job that I know for a fact was not that hard.  I was the easiest kid in the world – really, I was.  I never did anything wrong.  I got straight A’s in school, I married the boy I met when I was 15, I paid for my own college education, I went to graduate school, I never asked them for anything – nothing  after I was about 19 years old.  Sure, they loved me, yes, I turned out well, sure they took care of me when I was a baby and yes, I am sure they spent money on me – but I never had anything unreasonable  – no car, no designer clothes, no fancy lifestyle…

But… really?  Is this how it is supposed to turn out?   My mother has said for her entire life that she will never ever never ever go to a nursing home. She said that she would rather die than go to a nursing home… but that seems like the only option that makes any sense at all.  I am really going to be the daughter who sends her mother to a nursing home against her wishes?  Really, am I going to become that person?  I can’t be that person, I am the person who wins elections because I have nice shoes.

Simultaneously, Max is having surgery tomorrow to inject Botox into his legs. Then he is going to put in casts for 4-5 weeks.  The possible options are that he will do great, have more movement in this legs, walk better and even make some progress OR he will have pain, muscle spasms and not be able to walk at all and have to go to school in a wheelchair.  No way to know..  

If 2594 people who don’t even know me think I am capable of making good decisions, why then am I the only one who has serious doubts about that?

One Response so far.

  1. sd says:

    I read your blog. I voted for you because I like your shoes and your kids. You have never shared your gloves with me, but I am sure you would. Don’t doubt yourself and your decisions, you’ve done pretty well so far. Thank goodness I read this damn thing!

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