This so doesn’t suck

I am stealing that phrase from someone else as it fits what I want to write about today.  I wonder is these thoughts will come out right on paper (virtual paper, that is) as for once I am not sure if I have the words.

I have always been a happy person, despite life’s travails, and heartaches.  Despite some periods of dissatisfaction with everyone and everything, a temper that seems to overtake me more often than it used to, and a long period of real depression earlier this year.  I may not feel happy all the time, dance on tables  (anymore) or strut my happy self down the street.  But, I have always – even in the pit of despair – been able to find my happy place.  Earlier this year, I was overcome with a sense of heaviness – for no particular reason – that I carried around all winter.  I thought that maybe, this time, I would not come out of it.  But thankfully, with the return of spring, I have.

I am 44 years old, but I have been the same in so many ways since I was very very young.  I measure my happiness in the car.  If I am happy, I will feel it, suddenly, with no warning, while driving alone in whatever messy beat-up car I happen to have at the time, listening to music loud and crazy.  It overcomes me and I feel happiness glowing warmly. It used to come more often – maybe life has beaten me down at bit – but then again, I used to be alone in my car listening to music more often too.  My happiness is not because of anything or in spite of anything- it just is mine and I am grateful.

It has been while since I had that feeling and I have wondered if maybe, this time, I might not find it again.  I felt it briefly a few months ago, but it was fleeting.  This Saturday morning, alone in the car on my way to pick up my mom, I felt it strong and clear. For the first time, I met it with big, fat, tears, rolling down my face – tears of thankfulness to God or luck or time – and not for anything in particular, but merely for giving it back to me.

I may not have everything in life that I want, but I have proven to myself, time and time again, that I am resilient.  I can go down with the best of them, but I can rise up again…all I need is a car and a radio.

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