I am so tired, I can’t think straight and I am so tired. See, I can’t even write a sentence. I am standing in my kitchen with my 27th or so cup of caffeine procrastinating some unpleasant tasks and feeling completely unable to think. I thought that writing might take my mind off my mind. I have PTSSPMSPRHS. Has anyone ever had that? Is there a pill or a support group I could join?

Never heard of PRSSPMSPRHS? Don’t you read the internet? I have post traumatic shock syndrome, PMS, and pre Rosh Hashana syndrome. None of these things alone can kill you, but together, they are messing with my mind.

Max did very well in his surgery with minimal drama, maximum drugs, and maximum “put on a happy mommy face.” He is recovering well, and willing to try to get some movement and therapy. Today he tolerated 30 minutes. My brain is stuck on “what am I supposed to do now?” mode.  I don’t know how much he should be able to do, and I don’t know if I should send him to school next week in a wheelchair or keep him home. It seems unfair on some level to take a perfectly functional kid who walked into school last Tuesday and send him back in a wheelchair unable to walk yet. I also have to admit that I suffer from irrational expectations.

Then of course there is the PMS which really needs no explanation and the PRHS, Pre- Rosh Hashana Syndrome. This is the annual time of year when we Jews dress up, wear hats and begin to feel guilty about ourselves and every other person on earth. I usually make a big dinner with family and friends to reflect upon the year behind and the year ahead with gefilte fish balls and brisket. As I spend an entire day whipping together a meal that people pretend is impressive, I often feel overcome with emotion about how fortunate my blessings. This year, however, I feel as though I have spent far too much time inventorying, experimenting and assessing myself and others.  I have re-arranged, re-organized, re-visited, re-reduced, re-used, re-cylced myself only to find out that the only thing that is now different is the location of the snack drawer and the color of my hair.  I haven’t broken my bad habits, expanded my good ones, changed my outlook or stuck to any hair-brained new system or plan that I believed would help me accomplish my goals – small or large.

I am still having the dinner, but this year I ordered the entire thing from a restaurant. Since I sold all the furniture we usually use for dining in one of those previously mentioned “hair-brained” schemes, dinner will certainly be “casual.”

I am still grateful for all my blessings but right about now, they are exhausting me and I want to take a nap.

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One Response so far.

  1. Christie says:

    I also remember the guilt that I felt when Sterling returned to school. All his classmates thought that he was going to Texas to get his legs “fixed”. It was sad to send him back to school “worse” than when he left. Yes, I also remember the feeling when he woke from surgery…. you know, that “why did mom do this to her baby kind of feeling”. I can honestly say that it was worth all the pain, tears, and sleepless nights. (Dear Lord at the sleepless nights!)

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