Thinking of creating a new life… since I can’t actually create a human life – nor would I even want to at this point…that mess is just plain gross people- and I already have enough people. I do suddenly want a kitten for some reason. I suppose it is because I have wasted about 8 hours this week doing nothing but watching videos of baby animals on Facebook so I didn’t have to actually do “important work.”
I just have to write something because it seems like I don’t really do that anymore . Why would I not do something that I actually love doing? Why on earth would a person actually eat food that makes her feel sick, not do the exercise that makes her feel great and look almost hot, or clearly do nothing at all in the entire world that would even have the word fun, healthy, productive or cool even closely associated with it? If you have an answer to that question, please let me know.
Here are my problems:
1. Gratitude is all f-up. In accordance with #2 below, “they” all say you should be all grateful and shit . So, I try to do that. I say things like, “Wow, it’s 4 degrees today and I am truly grateful that I am not a homeless person. ” That was a good one. However, see examples below:
January 1, 2014 – Early morning, “Wow, its a new year and I am so glad. Last year sucked eggs for the most part. Hun, I am so glad you are invited to play football this morning, you should go and enjoy now that you are all fit and buff. ” Hun goes and plays football and breaks his collarbone in three places requiring him to wear a sling, have surgery, take drugs, not drive, miss work, lose sleep and feel very very bad…
January 12, 2014 – “Thank goodness things are going well with the kids because this broken collarbone is about all we can handle. I am so glad they are back in school especially because Hun is having surgery tomorrow.” Hun actually says, “Wow, the house is really clean too!” Midnight, Max starts puking his guts out and suffers the dreaded stomach virus resulting in vomit all over the previously clean house. Cerebral Palsy and vomiting are not a good combination… just sayin’
January 13, 2014 – ” I feel so grateful that I am not at work and able to take care of Hun and Max.” At 2:00 a.m. I begin puking my guts out and am literally crying if I have to move or even speak. Hun, who had surgery less than 24 hours ago, has to take care of the kids or I will die.
January 22, 2014 – “Thankfully Hun is feeling better and moving away from all the pain of the broken collarbone. It was good thing he didn’t get sick too.” He calls me at 12:30 in the afternoon, “Please pick me up from work, NOW, I am going to be sick!” He promptly begins puking his guts out.
January 26, 2014 – Feeling good that everyone is better, see a friend whose kid is really struggling with school and anxiety, and I literally thank God – I actually said some kind of made-up prayer – that Max has his anxiety under control. Later that night, Max suffers a major panic attack – cannot go to school – resulting in the worst week he has had in 2 years and literally transporting us back in time to hell.
I am afraid to even think about Sophie – she is living alone in the desert now with a can of Lysol. We communicate only by text.
2. I read too many self-help books. I have admitted in the past to my obsession with self-help parenting books. However, I am starting to realize that perhaps before I started trying to change everything, change everyone, be better, be happier, be calmer, be righter, be more organic, be better behaved, be grateful (ha!) – maybe we were fine to begin with – even if we ate Pop-Tarts. After all this reading, all I feel in my Pop-Tart free home is guilty for everything we aren’t. I just might go out and buy Pop-Tarts right now.
3. I want a new blog. Actually what I want is to be one of the famous authors who wrote all those damn books that I read and could have written a million times if I could actually have written a book. Maybe I should buy a book about how to write a book? However, I will probably be moving my blog to a new site and designing something new that makes me feel happier. Maybe I will do it for my birthday.
4.I want a new job – I want to do something new. I love teaching my classes and don’t want to give that up, but I really want to do something new too. And no, if you are reading this, that does not mean volunteering for PTO, Borough Council, Girl Scouts, or Neighborhood Watch. I want to make some money doing it because I think people actually do that. I’m not really sure about this. I might have to Google it, but I think you are supposed to get paid for work. I only like doing things that no one wants to pay me to do. I really want to start a home organizing business because I know that I could organize your house better than I can organize my own. I also might want to be a Life Coach because that is like me being able to tell you about all the stuff I learned in all those books I read, but I wouldn’t actually have to do it myself. See, where I am going with this? I know both of those jobs are kind of ridiculous and I would actually have to spend money to learn how to do them before I did them but maybe a ridiculous job is what I need. Unfortunately, I did go to and graduate from Law School so perhaps I should be a lawyer?
I am willing to take advice here if you have any. Please, if you are giving advice though, don’t tell me to buy a book, write a gratitude journal, or try meditating. In fact, unless your advice comes with a box of Pop-Tarts, I might not be able to listen.