Lost


My mother died…

For the last few weeks I practiced saying those words so I could prepare.   I suppose I knew it was coming and now it has been a week.  I am sitting in the kitchen among the cookie crumbs and stale bagels eating whitefish salad that probably should have been thrown away and drinking coffee that has been sitting in the pot for two days.  These are the remnants of the blessings of sitting shiva. I am too tired to fold up the chairs and put away the tables or do errands or make phone calls. There is so very much I need to do to wrap up loose ends, pay things that need to be paid,and a room full of things to move.  I cannot go.  I cannot face it.  I am lost. I don’t want to talk about it anymore though I know I have more friends and family than I could ever wish for.  I have so much love surrounding me that I could save it in small packages and never run out. I am so very lucky and so very grateful but still I am lost.  I am not looking to be found or asking for help. I want to be lost…if only for a little while.

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2 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    6 years later, i continue to pray for those moments of feeling lost, and sad, and pained to never go away…savor these moments when you get to just feel the way you are meant to. The love that supports you keeps you safe so that you can surrender to being lost for as long as you need.

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