Does You Chew A lot of Gum?
So…Friday night, Hun and I went out to the movies and a romantic dinner at the mall food court. It was kind of a last minute thing and our babysitter was about to go back to school so we thought we would really live it up! I brought my pocketbook (yes, I know, I am the only person in the world who uses that word) and proceeded to put it on the sticky floor next to my food court chair. I was so excited by my mall soup and Hun’s suggestion that we buy candy BEFORE the movie that I must have all but left my mind somewhere. Off we skipped happily to the candy store and then the movie (Promised Land…boring…sorry Matt Damon, I still love you though) and back home again to be greeted by our most favorite 22 year old in the world telling us that Max and Sophie were both asleep.
Suddenly, in my haze of the delight of sleeping children, I realized that I didn’t have my pocketbook. I checked the car, the other car, the house and quickly realized that the sticky floor was the last place I had it. Having lost my wallet or the things in it several times, I suddenly panicked. It wasn’t because I had anything of value in my bag, I was most horrified by the idea of having to replace all 27 of the cards that prove we have enough health insurance to actually afford to have Max. I was sure that I was about to spend the next month screaming at people all over New Jersey trying to get them to do what I want them to do without any proof of WHO I AM. Plus, I really like that bag. It’s a good combination of hippie and chic.
Hun called mall security and even though it was 11:30 p.m., the guard answered the phone. Hun sheepishly told him that his wife ( read… senseless and dumb) left her purse in the mall. Mr. Guard started laughing and said, “In 17 years I have never found a purse,” and proceeded to tell us to “Ha, Ha, Ha come back in the morning!” Now, I was really mad. Come back in the morning? I can’t do that, I would have to schelpp Max with me all through the mall. Nothing is more horrifying than that. I convinced Hun to drive back to the mall with me to see if we could get in. I imagined us dramatically running through the food court and finding my beloved bag sitting where I left it. I imagined that the mall would somehow be open. Remember General Hospital in 1982 when Luke and Laura got to spend that romantic night alone in the mall? I still have fantasies about that…
Naturally, the mall the was closed. The movies were still open and Mr. Movie Theatre Manager gave us Security Guard’s number again. Security Guard answered the phone and this time I did the talking. ” Hi, you spoke to my husband about my pocketbook… any chance you might have found it?” Guard doesn’t say anything, nothing at all. It’s like he doesn’t remember laughing at us 10 minutes ago. Silence for what feels like an hour and then,
“Ahhhh, does you chew alot of gum?”
“Excuse me, um… I guess so.”
“What kinds of gum do you chew?”
Me, happily realizing that he must have my bag, “I chew all kinds of gum!”
Now, I might be off base, but when someone finds a pocketbook, one might think that the person would ask for name or for what I keep in my wallet. No, clearly, he finds the fact that I have 1,000 pieces of gum to be the most important identifying quality about me.
“What else? ” he finally says.
I proceed to name everything I can think of that is in my bag. “I have a purple wallet and it has no money in it, and I have a blue journal and probably some lipstick and blah, blah, blah…”
Still, he doesn’t say much. I cannot believe he won’t tell me if he has my bag. I continue to name things in my bag, but truthfully there isn’t really that much, except gum, I guess.
Finally, after what feels like another hour, he says, ” Ok, I see lots of gum in there, so it must be your bag.”
Again, with the gum…
At first he tells me to come back to get it tomorrow but I whimper and tell him that I really need it. He finally agrees to let us come to the secret mall security office to pick it up. I happily go and thank him profusely and prance all the way home with my bag. I still don’t really get the fascination with the gum though…but who cares. I have my bag and my gum and I can pretend the whole thing never happened. Just like I do with most other things!